SpiritPathNow

Did I Just Say That? Pulling Out The Arrows

I said something 'sharp' to someone yesterday and as soon as it was out of my mouth I heard, like a cosmic clash, the jarring dissonance between the shrill voice of my 'little ego' and the beautiful, resonant voice of the Truth that I know to be.  I can't get those words back.  It matters not what 'facts' float around the issue.  It was not a matter of 'facts'.  It was a matter of being in the now moment as a beneficial presence beyond the facts yet I turned from that still, deep pool of Truth and jumped headfirst into the miasma of that little, petty and self-preoccupied place in a split second that left me shocked at myself.  Whiplash.  Knee-jerk reaction, primal fight or flight -- sometimes both with a flung verbal jab and then a pushing away as I did.

What do I do now?  I've behaved badly.  I'm embarrassed.  I feel naked and exposed... oops, my 'un-enlightenment' is showing.  But ah, that's my 'little ego' talking again, hanging on to appearances.  From this defensive place it's not that I wasn't 'right' in my judgment but that I was caught off-guard and someone saw my worst side.

So even in trying to address this my 'little ego' is still running rampant trying to do damage control from that limited perspective.  Sometimes I just give up like a tired parent.  I give my 'little ego' a 'talking to'.  I wag my finger and scold "You'd better behave better next time!" and sweep it under the rug.  I'm over 50.  Evidently that's not an effective method of growth.

Like most important life lessons, there is no one thing to do, no simple recipe or pill for this.  We cannot embody the answer by reading a book or listening to a teleseminar.  But there are empowering steps we can take to bring ourselves into living every day, with each encounter, in a more conscious intentional manner so that these "Did I just say that?" moments are the exception rather than the norm and that when they happen we can quickly shift to a place of accountability and forgiveness --- accepting accountability for my actions and words and asking forgiveness from others and, once I accept my role in the situation, granting forgiveness to myself for my mis-steps as well.

"Mis-steps".   The Hebrew word for 'sin' can be understood as 'miss-take' and it's a term that came from archery meaning missing the mark and implies an ever present opportunity to aim again.  There is an eternal 'do-over' opportunity built into our humanness. 

But if we keep arguing for our limitations, keep trying to re-draw the Bull's-Eye around our off-center arrows rather than taking responsibility, walking up to the target, owning our miss-hit, pulling the miss-hit arrow out, stepping back and taking a fresh look at the target and re-aiming, we forego that 'do-over' opportunity and stay 'stuck' in that off-center place.

Pull those arrows out!  Don't wait!  Make this your spiritual practice.  Embrace 'do-overs' with humility.  That's what I'm going to do.

Never Enough Ice Cream

I am drawn to the silence. Sometimes I get a whiff of it on the air like a fragrance that beckons me. Come hither. Come to God.

I have a friend who wrote for his one-line bio in a chant leader's class roster "Addicted to Kedusha." Addicted to holiness. I never thought of using the word 'addicted' in relation to spiritual practice until I read this line but it makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm addicted to chocolate chip ice cream. I pass a 31 Flavors (o.k., I'm dating myself but I still think it's the best chocolate chip ice cream in the world) and it's as though there is a magnetic draw. My mouth waters. My car has a mind of its own. I magically find myself transported into the door, standing before the counter. Ready to receive.

Addicted to Kedusha.... This being drawn into the silence, being called into prayer, is continually beckoning when I have ears to hear it. Drop the chatter of the monkey mind and it is there like a fresh cool stream winking at me from the corners and depths of my heart. I can taste it. I long for it as a lover. Come hither. Come to God. I, Yah, am here. Come home.

Delicious. God Presence wraps around my senses and experience from the inside out, like an internal massage. Ah, this is what holiness feels like. I remember! Like sinking into a deep hot bath that unknots all the kinks and envelops you in a Universe of comfort. Ahhh. I never want to leave. Like that first satisfying bite of ice cream. Ahh, yes! My senses explode in gratitude. A sacrilegious comparison? Perhaps. But one you understand.

We need to carve out times for this deep connection. Kedusha; "separate". There is the sacred and there is the profane. But it is a paradoxical type of separation because the idea of Kedusha is about experiencing the Divine in the midst of the physical world.

As I nurture my time in Kedusha/Holiness I find my sense of separateness in the world diminishes because I have placed myself, cultivated within myself, a Unity with a greater whole. In that sacred space there is no wanting. So now when I pass a 31 Flavors I smile and remember the deliciousness of Kedusha.

Breath of Prayer

  I come into time and space on the breath of prayer.

In sleep our energy paradoxically both expands into the ethosphere of the unconscious Sacred Union and also contracts into itself like a turtle pulled tightly into its shell. 

Upon awakening I contemplate through prayer and chanting on uncurling my little self from this fetal position, from this protective, infant-like retreat of sleep.  The breath expands my heart, gradually infusing my conscious body and my soul with light and spaciousness.  Breathe in.  Open heart.  Breathe in.  Lotus unfolding.

The expansion cracks the holds of mundane concerns that have encased me unconsciously like a mud-wrap.  Now dry and no longer serving me in the face of the spaciousness filling me, those concerns fall away inert, like so much dried clay --- dirt and dust.

My light-body stands grounded and whole, infused and pulsating with the breath of prayer.  Energy expands around me as the chant grows, reaching deep into the earth.  Roots shooting downward thirstily connecting with nurturing Source.

Breathe.

With ever-reaching arms of prayer my soul lifts higher and higher until, like the Tree of Life, the energy of the branches from above swirls with the energy of the roots from below.  Yin becomes Yang.  Yang becomes Yin.

I am the still point.  I am in gratitude.  I am the breath.  I am the prayer.

Breathe.
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Artwork acknowledgment: Celtic Tree of Life - by Jen Delyth ©1990 www.kelticdesigns.com