SpiritPathNow

Did I Just Say That? Pulling Out The Arrows

I said something 'sharp' to someone yesterday and as soon as it was out of my mouth I heard, like a cosmic clash, the jarring dissonance between the shrill voice of my 'little ego' and the beautiful, resonant voice of the Truth that I know to be.  I can't get those words back.  It matters not what 'facts' float around the issue.  It was not a matter of 'facts'.  It was a matter of being in the now moment as a beneficial presence beyond the facts yet I turned from that still, deep pool of Truth and jumped headfirst into the miasma of that little, petty and self-preoccupied place in a split second that left me shocked at myself.  Whiplash.  Knee-jerk reaction, primal fight or flight -- sometimes both with a flung verbal jab and then a pushing away as I did.

What do I do now?  I've behaved badly.  I'm embarrassed.  I feel naked and exposed... oops, my 'un-enlightenment' is showing.  But ah, that's my 'little ego' talking again, hanging on to appearances.  From this defensive place it's not that I wasn't 'right' in my judgment but that I was caught off-guard and someone saw my worst side.

So even in trying to address this my 'little ego' is still running rampant trying to do damage control from that limited perspective.  Sometimes I just give up like a tired parent.  I give my 'little ego' a 'talking to'.  I wag my finger and scold "You'd better behave better next time!" and sweep it under the rug.  I'm over 50.  Evidently that's not an effective method of growth.

Like most important life lessons, there is no one thing to do, no simple recipe or pill for this.  We cannot embody the answer by reading a book or listening to a teleseminar.  But there are empowering steps we can take to bring ourselves into living every day, with each encounter, in a more conscious intentional manner so that these "Did I just say that?" moments are the exception rather than the norm and that when they happen we can quickly shift to a place of accountability and forgiveness --- accepting accountability for my actions and words and asking forgiveness from others and, once I accept my role in the situation, granting forgiveness to myself for my mis-steps as well.

"Mis-steps".   The Hebrew word for 'sin' can be understood as 'miss-take' and it's a term that came from archery meaning missing the mark and implies an ever present opportunity to aim again.  There is an eternal 'do-over' opportunity built into our humanness. 

But if we keep arguing for our limitations, keep trying to re-draw the Bull's-Eye around our off-center arrows rather than taking responsibility, walking up to the target, owning our miss-hit, pulling the miss-hit arrow out, stepping back and taking a fresh look at the target and re-aiming, we forego that 'do-over' opportunity and stay 'stuck' in that off-center place.

Pull those arrows out!  Don't wait!  Make this your spiritual practice.  Embrace 'do-overs' with humility.  That's what I'm going to do.

Body Bumper Cars

I just came back from a week-long conference and one of the courses I took was with Rabbi David A. and Shoshana Cooper on Sacred Relationship. Rabbi David is the author of "God Is A Verb", the popular book on Kabbalah. I was interested to experience how he weaves Kabbalah and contemplative practice into 'relationship'. One of our first experiences was to have 60 people bundled in the middle of the room tightly surrounded by the circle of chairs.

"Walk", Rabbi Cooper said. We each walked gingerly around each other, crossing paths, matching our speed so we didn't crash into each other, this human weaving unfolding. "Walk faster.", and the tempo increased. A few bumps. Some short stops. Merging and blending becoming more strained. Very little eye contact. My anxiety rising as I could not get into a comfortable flow of movement for the competing trajectories of others around me. "Faster still". What had started as a respectful walk amongst bodies too close was degenerating into a churning mass of feet being stepped on, rising irritation, jostling. I felt my body trying to shrink into a smaller space, a defensiveness welling up around me in protection and a feeling of separation, a sense of 'them-ness' towards the bodies in my way. When the instruction to 'stop' was given, it was a relief.

Next step. Rabbi Cooper asked us to do the same basic exercise but with two differences. First, we were to close our eyes. And later in the exercise we were to raise our arms out as we continued to move around. As soon as we closed our eyes, we became equal, with equal rights to the space we were exploring. There was no 'right of way', it was an egalitarian mass and the driveness of trajectories and irritating cut-offs and traffic jams disappeared. Instead, the bumps and jostling became a sort of friendly connection that shared information rather than thwarted progress.

People giggled. We each took baby steps. Bodies gently bumped. We bounced our way clear of tangles and explored open spaces with new senses. We weren't individuals on individual paths. We were an organic, amoeba-like unit pulsing with life. It was fun. Body-bumper cars. I felt myself smiling. When it came time to raise our arms out and continue the moving in and through the group, it felt like ballet. Instead of the shrinking feeling I had with my eyes open negotiating through the mass, with my eyes closed it was like body poetry. Balance, complimentary flow. Feeling the open spaces between us punctuated by the occasional connection of hand against body. There was no blame. Quite frankly, there was more invasion of private space with hands connecting in unexpected places when our eyes were closed than when they were open, but there was no sense of judgment attached to it. There was grace.

May your week be filled with grace and all your body bumper cars be gentle!