I said something 'sharp' to someone yesterday and as soon as it was out of my mouth I heard, like a cosmic clash, the jarring dissonance between the shrill voice of my 'little ego' and the beautiful, resonant voice of the Truth that I know to be. I can't get those words back. It matters not what 'facts' float around the issue. It was not a matter of 'facts'. It was a matter of being in the now moment as a beneficial presence beyond the facts yet I turned from that still, deep pool of Truth and jumped headfirst into the miasma of that little, petty and self-preoccupied place in a split second that left me shocked at myself. Whiplash. Knee-jerk reaction, primal fight or flight -- sometimes both with a flung verbal jab and then a pushing away as I did.
What do I do now? I've behaved badly. I'm embarrassed. I feel naked and exposed... oops, my 'un-enlightenment' is showing. But ah, that's my 'little ego' talking again, hanging on to appearances. From this defensive place it's not that I wasn't 'right' in my judgment but that I was caught off-guard and someone saw my worst side.
So even in trying to address this my 'little ego' is still running rampant trying to do damage control from that limited perspective. Sometimes I just give up like a tired parent. I give my 'little ego' a 'talking to'. I wag my finger and scold "You'd better behave better next time!" and sweep it under the rug. I'm over 50. Evidently that's not an effective method of growth.
Like most important life lessons, there is no one thing to do, no simple recipe or pill for this. We cannot embody the answer by reading a book or listening to a teleseminar. But there are empowering steps we can take to bring ourselves into living every day, with each encounter, in a more conscious intentional manner so that these "Did I just say that?" moments are the exception rather than the norm and that when they happen we can quickly shift to a place of accountability and forgiveness --- accepting accountability for my actions and words and asking forgiveness from others and, once I accept my role in the situation, granting forgiveness to myself for my mis-steps as well.
"Mis-steps". The Hebrew word for 'sin' can be understood as 'miss-take' and it's a term that came from archery meaning missing the mark and implies an ever present opportunity to aim again. There is an eternal 'do-over' opportunity built into our humanness.
But if we keep arguing for our limitations, keep trying to re-draw the Bull's-Eye around our off-center arrows rather than taking responsibility, walking up to the target, owning our miss-hit, pulling the miss-hit arrow out, stepping back and taking a fresh look at the target and re-aiming, we forego that 'do-over' opportunity and stay 'stuck' in that off-center place.
Pull those arrows out! Don't wait! Make this your spiritual practice. Embrace 'do-overs' with humility. That's what I'm going to do.
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